DISRESPECT IS NOT A VALUATION OF YOUR WORTH.

I borrow the title of this blog from author Brendon Burchard, who said "When someone disrespects you, beware the impulse to win their respect. For disrespect is not a valuation of your worth but a signal of their character". Again Author Tim Hansel said, "it's not so much what happens to us, as what happens in us that counts, or what we think has happened to us". I wish I had the opportunity to share my heart with a large gathering of young Londoners of African descent, because a lot needs to be deposited in them, and very quickly! These young people need urgent help to stay alive and well because whatever is their "concern" is pushing some into needless and endless turf wars, popularly called 'postcode wars', and this has left some dead and others maimed or too scared to move about. These sorts of trends are happening in other major cities of the world where we find large concentrations of Africans (including black youths from other backgrounds), who start these wars trying to protect or establish an "image". #blackeducation

The roots of these unfortunate occurrences are deeper than the eye can see and may have to be looked at from different points of view, because I may lack the ability or space to cover all in these few paragraphs, however, there are some salient points I would wish to mention here. A number of the parents of these troubled youth have spent all their lives abroad, earning so little, doing back-breaking jobs that takes them away from home for many hours during the day, often arriving home very exhausted. This leaves the children pretty much on their own, in the care of older siblings, or left with several untrained minders. The sad story of some of these parents is that the very children they break their backs for, become entangled in all kinds of troubles on the streets as they grow up, and some sadly get hurt physically and emotionally, and others, unfortunately, "GO TOO SOON".

One would have thought that the hardworking culture of these parents will influence their children's attitudes and choices, but no, these children make choices that utterly shock parents to the bone when revealed. Children usually grow to be fond of their parents, often wanting to be like them, right up to the jobs they do, but most of these don't. Some of these youth are sometimes ashamed of what their parents do for a living. I remember in my early years of arriving in London, I had a friend who was sent to a secondary school by an Employment Agency to cover for the Janitor, and his loud-mouthed nephew was there in that school, and he said his nephew saw him at break time standing by the bins, and quickly looked away and vanished in the crowd; he knew he would never tell his friends the man removing the bins is his uncle. One will say it is typical children's behaviour, but it still remains true in many situations that some of these youngsters 'born abroad' are often ashamed of their parent's roles (socially and economically) in the city.

First-generation migrants from Africa (those of us born and raised in Africa), have usually numbed our taste buds where jobs are concerned, with many accepting very low key jobs just to get by, often happy to place food on the table and pay for essentials. So many shelve their hard-earned certificates to drive taxis, cleaning and guarding office buildings and more while taking care of entire villages with their meagre incomes, also sending money to build houses for children who show no interest. Maybe these children are angry because we make a lot of our investment in Africa while denying them certain essentials, which we may say are luxuries but considered as necessities in these parts of the world. #accralondonaccra

The truth is that most of these young ones don't care about your nice house situated three thousand miles away in an African village. These children want to show off a nice trainer or jeans to their friends, they want to join a nice gym, pay for day trips, as well as coming back from holidays from some popular destinations and not 'again to Africa' to hang around some boring clansmen (please laugh it off). Again, the truth be said, most of these young people care very little about your lands or houses in Africa until they can see the potential of it being beneficial to them where they live now. For example, if the children know that income from a rental property can benefit them wherever they are in the world, they will surely show interest, but not when it serves as the residence of your numerous clansmen. One of my friends says his son continually says 'daddy if you die, I will sell the house in Africa "online'' '. He says what upsets him most is not the selling of the house but the "online".

What these young people are looking for is RESPECT or relevance! which is only human, but they have looked for it in very wrong places and from people hiding behind smokescreens, acting in obvious pretenses, but actually care less if these children do well or perish on the streets. I have spoken to some young people who say a lot of their disagreements on the streets arise from 'RESPECT and DISRESPECT' - What do they mean by that? and I bet you are asking the same question. These young people have grown consciously or unconsciously around a certain culture that devalues them in so many ways - their faults are easily magnified, and unknowing to many of them and their parents, they have been placed on some "special list", making certain authorities tag them as 'troublesome' before they even get the chance to prove themselves; this may be simply down to where they live, together with other issues that may have been registered against particular families.

It is quite easy to see some of the children from these families having unnecessary confrontations with the police, who may stop and search them twice or thrice as much, half of the time, prejudiced against them, and often treating them with disrespect because some of these children themselves can be quite unruly in some situations. Again, some of these troublesome children are actually suffering from the fear of rejection, prejudice, and the effects of bullying; sadly some of these children have borderline personality issues that go unnoticed for years. Statistics have proven that children living in certain neighborhoods are twice or thrice likely to be looked down upon and tagged as being problematic. These young ones end up with these types of emotional problems because they live their lives in fear all the time, watching over their shoulders and ready to react sharply when provoked. These children go through so much discrimination and experience quite complex incidents of rejection, which for some, may, unfortunately, develop into mental health problems (like Social and other forms of Phobias) #joeapenteng

With time some of these children begin to feel so inferior, and the most likely antidote for their fears is to seek the approved of others, to earn just a little respect "from somewhere", in fact, "anywhere", and they try and get this approval or respect anyway possible, and if they get disrespected while doing so, it often turns ugly. One of the families I ministered to years ago had five children belonging to three different men, and there were several incidents of disturbances and social services troubles, and during that time I tried to make this woman see sense that goes beyond prayer, which we did anyway, pointing out to her that something drastic had to be done in the care of the children, however, the men who came and went seem to have precedent in her life, she later stopped coming to us, and I wasn't surprised when years later I saw one of the children mentally ill on the streets begging for cigarettes.

I have personally had ugly experiences in this city, which made me angry for a short while and made me lack confidence in the police for some time; this was due to a miscarriage of justice, which I suffered during a motor accident incident. This policeman who responded, quickly made me, who was the victim, become the accused in no time. (I have come to understand not all police are like that, and that so many need to be applauded for the honest work they do in our community). Our children have to go through such and more. Now you see why they fight for respect at every turn? However much the pressures are, we still have a duty to teach them to have self-love and self-respect above all else, and this we have to do long before they hit the streets looking for relevance, 'flexing and dissing' like they say, unnecessarily on social media, which foments trouble in no time.

All these children see are parents who are worn out most of the time with hard work, mentally so drained and removed from the present realities around them, and look like they themselves could do with a little bit of rest and respect, often complaining about money, and never having enough for essentials like entertainment, which many count as a luxury. Overworked and angry most of the time, they quickly disengage and lack proper communication with these young ones, and unfortunately, when they do, it is always at the wrong time, and at this point, they don't hold back from venting most of their frustrations on the children, sometimes for a little wrong they may have done.

One would have thought that the parents of these young people would inspire them with their hardworking attitudes - but far from the truth! some of these young people are even ashamed of their parent's roles in society and often wished for more for them. Some years ago a tragic incident occurred in New York, where a young Ghanaian man stabbed his mother to death because he felt disrespected by his hardworking single mother in front of his friends. You may never find words to explain WHY, a loving single mother, who worked hard to bring his son from Ghana, will suffer such a fate. There are never simple reasons to explain matters like this, however, this young man who was obviously suffering from low self-esteem had his little bubble burst when the mother took away his little pride in front of his friends, feeling so ashamed, he lashed out at his mother ending her life and ruing his own for life; the irony is that he is the same person who cried out for help, suddenly realizing what he had done and what he had lost.

These children need assurance and a good word from their formative years that would make them feel proud of themselves, without fighting crazily for more from people who may never give them any at all. These young people force others to respect them on the streets not because they were not loved and provided for but because they never felt proud of themselves or anyone in their circle. They felt belittled at home, in school, on the streets, and even 'online'. You may say, 'what's important is to bury their heads in their books and God willing, one day they could become somebody', well, so many children don't easily get that message. I began this blog by quoting Tim Hansel, who said, "it's not so much what happens to us, as what happens in us that counts, or what we think has happened to us". If only we start bright and early placing the right stuff into their lives, it doesn't matter the labels that are placed on them out there, our powerful words would playback positively.

We must intentionally make time to groom our own children in the right ways of life. It works like this: Children's minds (soul) is like a blank 'special sheet of paper' that must necessarily be written on, and if you live it to others, they write all the wrong things on it, but if you with wisdom, love, and patience write on these sheets daily, it always turns out well. It goes to affirm the common saying, CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME and finally holding on to the precious words of Ephesians 6:2-4, which says “Honor your father and mother” (which is the first commandment with a promise), that it may go well with you and that you may have a long life on the earth.”Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; instead, bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord".

Spend time each day or as often as you can to "intentionally" speak wise words into their lives; words like those of High Performing Coach and bestselling author Brendon Burchard "When someone disrespects you, beware the impulse to win their respect. For disrespect is not a valuation of your worth but a signal of their character".