HOW CAN YOU CALL THIS AN 'ENGAGEMENT'?

One thing that continues to baffle me is how we Africans ourselves devalue our beautiful traditional marriages by calling it an 'engagement', equating it with the English or western one? Which involves two individuals, who can without the foreknowledge or approval of their families go ahead to make and accept proposals? Although many have joined the crusade to deconstruct this age-long 'slant' that was intentionally carved by some early missionaries, who worked hard to make us hate everything we had and love all they brought. All this is part of the colonizers plan to reeducate us to his own advantage; when some of our grandparents were baptized they already were married with several children, yet the early missionary said unless he had placed his stamp of approval on it, it wasn't marriage at all. Now we know some of these things that looked so godly or harmless was done to make them subservient, to do whatever they wanted them to do.

I even have a problem with the word 'traditional' that qualifies our kind of marriage, because the only reason why we qualify that as traditional is to say beyond this one there is another (The white versus the traditional), but the truth is that the only and final marriage for the African if we so choose should be the 'traditional'; you hardly hear anyone say traditional Arabic, Chinese or traditional Indian wedding. This generation of Africans must deconstruct such stereotypes and have a healthy respect for ourselves and what belongs to us, and this begins with an honest conversation about some of these things that once upon a time, was just too sensitive to talk about, especially among 'church' folks.

Church members have to go through this expensive double and triple-barreled marriages when most of them are already struggling financially. The sad fact is that most of these Churches don't even have the official capacity to register these marriages, which means most of these couples have to use another day to visit the courts and local authority office to register their marriages. The sorriest of all our woes is how we Pentecostals particularly have taken this English Church wedding 'thing' to such a ridiculous level. So many couples start life with a lot of debt, and some have to keep a brave face and literally fund-raise at their weddings to cover the cost, all under the supervision of church leaders who themselves are so afraid to break free from this colonial tradition.

In the Akan tradition, what we refer to as ɛhunu-animu (the introduction) is the one that will be equal to the Western 'engagement' or proposal, where the intention of the groom-to-be is made known to the bride's family, and there, the proposal is either accepted or rejected. Many years ago a pastor friend called me on the phone while a distraught father sat in front of him, and he was sad and angry at the same time because his only daughter had said yes to her English boyfriend while on a day out at The London-Eye; he cried because when the girl called to say 'Dad, I just said I yes, we are engaged', the father mistook the word 'engagement' for 'traditional marriage', and assumed she had done something very unforgivable; it took a lot of talking, to let him see the light and therefore was willing to wait patiently until the dowry was paid at this grand event called the traditional marriage.

Some thirty years ago we made the same mistake by referring to our 'traditional marriage' as an engagement, and this was done under the keen supervision of our Church leaders who thought being Christian was to turn our backs on anything 'traditional', and would not accept a traditional marriage as final. Some years back couples could be temporarily excommunicated from the church if the woman was to move in with the man on the same night of what they referred to as the 'engagement', even though the pastors and elders were all present and prayed powerfully on the whole occasion as well as laying hands on the couple in the presence of both families; in the eyes of the Church leaders, they were still not married until they spent some more money, time and energy to bring the 'traditional marriage' into the Church building for the final blessing. (Thank God for Church leaders who understand these issues and help poor couples to simplify the process)

My father in law who was also a respected Family-Head and well-versed with our Akan customs realized my wife was still under his roof days after the 'engagement' and couldn't understand why she was still there and was even more upset when my wife explained that we were not fully married until we went to the church in her white gown and me in my fine suit, for the vows and final blessing. His question was 'why couldn't we do all of that here, at the time the dowry was being paid? In those days we laughed at his 'not so posh' idea, but looking back, I now see how weird we may have looked and sounded to him.

I should actually give credit to some individuals and churches who are lately beginning to do what has always been right before God, by acknowledging traditional marriages as final in the Church, if the couple want it to be so, as far as it is sanctified by prayer. Sometimes some poor couples after going through what they call the 'engagement' have to stay apart for some weeks, months, or till whatever time they can secure the finances to bring their so-called 'engagement' into the church building or wherever the church met, to be blessed.

Truthfully most of the things we try and pass off as being 'Christian' are simply another man's culture and nothing to do with the faith, because the faith is closer to the Jewish culture than the English one, so if there was anyone to copy, it had better be the Jewish, however, the bible says categorically in Galatians 3:28 that "There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus". Again Colossians 2:16 says "Therefore do not let anyone judge you by what you eat or drink, or with regard to a religious festival, a New Moon celebration or a Sabbath day.", which means even the Jewish believers were not allowed to make another man feel bad about who they were, they should not expect converts to be exactly like them in culture; it also stands to reason that the English missionary to Africa shouldn't have tried to make the Africans look like them, as part of their conversion process. They must all be like Christ in spirit and in conduct while remaining unique as a people group.

The English 'master' has for centuries carved a society where men dwell in social classes, with the upper-class making the lower desire everything they have. Becoming as your 'master' has always been a privilege, so, as we were brought in at the lowest level of that hierarchical structure we were made to desperately desire to move up the ladder by giving up ours to take up theirs, even looking down on those among us who haven't copied the master, 'verbatim', I mean like "prim and proper". When you think and act as the colonialist wants, he calls you a good man, and those who object are called rebellious subjects. It is time we free ourselves from being victims of a system we have officially been freed from. We must begin to build a strong image for ourselves, just like the English who have indeed ruled the waves for centuries, and declare powerfully in their anthem never to become slaves to another, but would happily enjoy their domination over you, if you are willing to be 'subjected' for life, even though they have said you are free to go.

With time we unconsciously begin to see all we have as inferior to theirs; just look at the picture I borrowed online for my illustration and tell me if that grandeur royal-look can be devalued by mere beliefs and words? don't say your marriages are not really 'as nice' or authentic and could never be compared to theirs which is done with the long white gowns, veils, tuxedos, bow ties, and towering cakes. I must however, commend some younger generation of Africans who these days are embracing our 'traditional ceremonies', and even doing it with panache, extremely detailed and well-rehearsed, some even with a hint of royal opulence, but again what is still worrying is how most of them have to top it up with a full white wedding 'to joyfully' make that beautiful marriage VERY COMPLETE.

I believe it is time to revisit some things that have become popular-culture among us and to identify that which can be completely changed, tweaked, overhauled or even embraced. We must be able to copy from other cultures without destroying our own, and where our faith is not compromised. I am not trying to talk anyone out of doing as many types of weddings as they desire if they choose, but my recommendation is that it is time to try and combine everything under one event, i.e. the dowry, the vows, the blessing, the banquet and more. I can see in my minds-eye a grand event with families sitting to the east and west of the hall, invitees to the north, facing the stage, a large middle section opened for dancing and the choir/musicians on one side of the stage, with the clergy and MC's on the other side doing it to the glory of God. And finally, I am proposing this because whereas young English, Chinese or Asian couples plan for a single event and manage to save enough to climb unto the property ladder, we who are on record to be coming from poorer communities, want to squander and possibly place debts ahead of us before we even start life - LET HE WHO HAVE EARS HEAR WHAT A BROTHER HAS TO SAY.